Destigmatising my Mental Health Struggles

I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) at the age of thirty-four. Before that, I thought I was just a very irritable and explosive person, as well as a worrier. I never had a term for what was happening to me, or at least not until I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and I was able to put a name to the whirlpool of emotions in my head.

I was raised in a multi-generational Catholic home. Growing up, we were taught not to talk about our feelings, as we risked being mocked for it. We were told to man-up (macha mija), and to keep going. Mental health was not something you would hear about at a casual family dinner, and there still is a lot of stigma around depression and anxiety, most of which comes from an uninformed perspective.

As a kid, I was labelled dramatic and nervous. I did not make friends easily, but I was really good with schoolwork. And because of the latter, my struggles often went unchecked. I had trouble sleeping and often, I spent the commute from my grandparents’ house to my house asleep, which only made the problem worse. When I had panic attacks, I ended up at the doctor’s being checked for asthma (trouble breathing), having ECGs (palpitations), or sent home with Omeprazole because of the unbearable stomach aches I had before an important exam or a presentation.

I grew up in a household where the cultural blend of Christianity and faith coexisted with limpias and curadas de espanto (rituals to cleanse the aura). This meant when I felt uneasy or agitated, I was met with a ritual involving eggs, herbs and prayers, instead of support and therapy. The eclectic tradition combining prayers with a mix of herbs, was just the right solution at the time. Partly, the reason why these practices made sense to me was the fact that it somehow gave me a new perspective in life, transforming my attitude towards it. However, in retrospective, I can now see that there was nothing magical about it. At best, it gave me an excuse to forget about my anxiety, at worst, it made me feel invisible, unheard and misunderstood.

Normality: A Myth

Often dismissed as hormonal changes or mood swings, my anxiety went under the radar. As a teenager, it is already difficult to love the skin you live in, but for me, the puberty emotions were exacerbated by my anxiety, making things more difficult . However, for the outside world I was a role model, excelling at school, winning competitions and involved in a ton of extracurricular activities.

I was often regarded as an overachiever, extremely praised for that by peers and teachers alike. It was a short-sighted understanding of my personality, as it did not consider my inner monologue, which drove to this perceived success. Beneath the surface of this seemingly perfect exterior, laid a scared and anxious kid, afraid of rejection and in constant need for reassurance.

I often thought the inner turmoil was something that would ease as I got  older. I was in constant denial and convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with the finger biting, the inability to say no, and the constant rumination. I thought I was just a pessimistic person, because of my tendency to dwell on the negative. I even experienced  physical aches, which were also a manifestation of the anxiety. As I kept moving forward, I taught myself to appear calm and collected. I kept the anxiety at bay by throwing myself into work and filling my days with as many activities as possible.

It was only when I got pregnant with my first child that the anxiety got the best of me. The worst-case scenarios took over my daily experience: I was afraid of walking down the stairs, as that meant I could go down with my baby and die. I would avoid crossing the streets with heavy traffic for similar reasons. I did not get any treatment for the anxiety and just let it slip one more time, going back to work and trying to find something else to do.

However, this would change when I got pregnant with my second kid. As they say, what you resist, persists, and, boy, they were right. All those intrusive thoughts that I assumed I buried deep during my first perinatal period came back stronger than ever. Only then, as my usual coping mechanisms proved useless, I decided to access  psychological and psychiatric help.

Mental Health in the Latinx Community

It took me a long time to recognise that something was not right and that the cultural and societal factors of my background  had played a big part. Like I mentioned before, the fact that you are not supposed to talk about your emotions and the fact that mental health and psychiatric treatment is a taboo in the Latin American community, makes it hard to understand what is happening in your mind and body,  and to seek help, with your support network or professionally.

As a new mother, I also faced added pressures. The high and often unrealistic expectations, fuelled by the cultural norms of keeping everything private, as well as this Judeo-Christian image of Virgin Mary –that set the example of a devoted mother, ready to sacrifice it all for her kids– , made me feel extremely guilty for feeling the way I did. I felt like I was not good enough for not being able to do it all, like my other friends seemed to do.

It took me months of therapy and antidepressants to realise that life was complex, and especially to accept that my experience of maternity, where I was miles away from my family and support network, was particularly difficult. Reconciling the reality I was living versus the idea of a dreamy family, glamourised by social media, takes a lot of work. We live in this paradox: on the one hand, we have to be extremely  productive, and on the other hand, maternity requires a lot of time and dedication to seemingly “unproductive” tasks. This, understandingly so, often triggers our anxiety.

It all seemed pretty dark at one point; however, I got the help I needed, and I’m getting better. I wanted to get better for my kids, for my family. I can finally accept that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am not weak, helpless or dramatic. I have anxiety and I can get help to live a life full of self-compassion and love.

Helpful Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, don’t hesitate to look for help. It is always helpful to talk to friends or family that you are happy to confide in. You can also do some research on anxiety and depression on the NHS website, or other reputable sources, like the charity Mind. You can also speak to your GP and ask for a referral to your local mental health service, although many of them have a self-referral option. Please do not be discouraged by waiting times for therapy or other bureaucratic barriers. There are other online tools and apps available that can help with managing the symptoms while waiting for a psychological or psychiatric evaluation, like Headspace or Calm.

If you are in need of urgent help, here are a couple of resources that might help: 

Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool 

Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/ 

NHS Support: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/